


Forgive Me

by matamata



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Anger, F/M, Fluff, I'm an adult I can do what I want, definitely some crying, just a bit of smut, like super minor smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-02-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 23:09:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5684728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/matamata/pseuds/matamata
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>I totally understand this isn't canon, and I know it's not really an accurate timeline. Fair warning. ALSO this is my FIRST fic posted here on Ao3 so be nice. Also, I don't recommend writing and posting at midnight I found so many typos.</p>
<p>Recommended listening: "Polaris" by Tesseract, especially the song "Seven Names". You can stream the entire album legally on YouTube.</p>
    </blockquote>





	1. The Mission

**Author's Note:**

> I totally understand this isn't canon, and I know it's not really an accurate timeline. Fair warning. ALSO this is my FIRST fic posted here on Ao3 so be nice. Also, I don't recommend writing and posting at midnight I found so many typos.
> 
> Recommended listening: "Polaris" by Tesseract, especially the song "Seven Names". You can stream the entire album legally on YouTube.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You've never quite been the same since he fell to the darkness, even now nearly ten years later. You still wake at night startled from dreams that feel all too real, covered in sweat trying to remind yourself he's gone...it was a dream, the touches and kisses were a mere vision in your head. You remember the mind tricks he used to play and wonder if he's the one planting those vivid dreams in your mind when you are alone and the longing feels like too much. But you realize it's just your heart hoping it's him and at the same time your heart knows he's never coming back.

* * *

 

Born of human mothers and into loving families, childhood friends from a time before you can remember. Though he was Force sensitive and you were not it didn't change the dynamic between you and as time went on friends became best friends, and before long you became inseparable. He had always been tall with dark hair and eyes and striking angular features that were a pleasure to behold - with a mischievous streak and snarky one liners, which considering his parentage was unsurprising in the least. His unconventional looks made him all the more endearing to you and as you both grew older he only grew more beautiful in your eyes.

You're human, and so is he. But all these years later it has become painful to remember him as he once was. A human boy, now a masked terror whose name alone can send an entire village scrambling in fear. It's not hard to remember his face; you can still envision his sweet smile and ebony locks, the playful fights and tender kisses shared as you grew into adults. No, you can still remember him though it stings and sometimes the tears come so hard you have to hide yourself away. Whenever you hear the name "Kylo Ren" you want to scream, _his name is Ben...his name is Ben and I miss him so much_.

You've never quite been the same since he fell to the darkness, even now nearly ten years later. You still wake at night startled from dreams that feel all too real, covered in sweat trying to remind yourself he's gone...it was a dream, the touches and kisses were a mere vision in your head. You remember the mind tricks he used to play and wonder if he's the one planting those vivid dreams in your mind when you are alone and the longing feels like too much. But you realize it's just your heart _hoping_ it's him and at the same time your heart _knows_ he's never coming back.

* * *

Your mother, friends with General Organa, had always been part of the Resistance and as a result you had been a part of the Resistance your entire life as well. You were a skilled pilot, excelled at alien linguistics, and were a highly revered and respected Captain at the young age of 29. But in all your years you had never faced a task quite like your newest assignment, handed down from the General herself.

"I am very grateful for the brave spies who provided us with this crucial information about a new looming threat", General Organa stated clearly. The room was painfully silent for everyone knew the three spies had met a terrible end at the hand of the First Order. You drew a deep breath and searched the room before speaking.

"The new threat the General is referring to is the fleet of Star Destroyers being assembled on planets in the same system as Starkiller Base. We all know the sheer power these terrible vessels hold, but for far too long we were always one step behind. Now that we know the location of the warehouses we have a substantial chance at making a very big dent in the First Order's Fleet".

"So, we're going to attack multiple planets and warehouses? How long before they realize what we're doing, what chance do we have?" a frightened voice spoke up from among the dozens of Resistance crew members. You kept your composure.

"Captain Jillia understands the risks and had made a similar attack run 2 years ago, in case you forgot", General Organa snapped, "her success in destroying 3 under construction Star Destroyers then is why we are still here now". The room fell silent once more.

"These warehouses are not as well armed as you might think, all the planetary and human resources are being poured into the construction of the Star Destroyers. Yes there are some ground troops, it's nothing we can't handle with a bombing run. The warehouses don't have defense shields, which is why their location was nearly impossible to obtain. Their only defense was being invisible, but now we have the advantage".

"The Star Destroyers are still on the ground, they are not yet sky bound. Their construction is still in the early phases but their destruction will set the fleet back by at least 2 years", one of the communications crew said.

"All X-Wings and Y-Wings prepare to leave on the hour", General Organa commanded, and with that everyone in the room departed. There were words of farewell and many hugs, smiles among friends and even a few tears. These risky missions, growing all too common, still tore at the humanity in all the Resistance fighters - even the most brave and fearless. You watched with the General as the room emptied.

"Jillia", the General said in a hushed tone as she gently took your forearm, your eyes grew wide as her eyes met yours, and you stared for a long while.

"What's wrong, General", you finally whispered. There was an intense silence as Leia's eyes glossed with moisture.

"Ben", her voice cracked, "our reconnaissance report indicated that he is currently stationed at the main warehouse overseeing the early stages of construction on the First Order's first and only Super Star Destroyer". Though you fought to remain a blank slate it was pointless. Just hearing his name caused goosebumps to appear on your arm, and the professional cover you've become so good at maintaining disappeared. A lump formed in your throat.

"General, I-".

"I miss him too, child. So much". She took the words straight from your heart and laid them out in the open. The lump in your throat grew so painful you could barely breath. You'd known the General your whole life and to you she was more Mother than anything, and you understood just how much her heart still ached over losing her only son.

"This mission is crucial to our survival, the survival of the Resistance, it must continue and you mustn't fail." Leia placed outstretched fingers over your heart, "I know it hurts, child, but I knew you must be forewarned of his presence. For the sake of your sanity and for the sake of the mission". The flood of emotions felt like a tidal wave, and you were drowning. You knew that although Leia had never been formally trained as a Jedi she was strong in the ways of the Force, and you knew in this moment she could feel every ache coursing through you.

"I won't fail you, nothing will stand in my way".

* * *

 


	2. The Meeting

The main warehouse was situated on a small mountainous and forested planet, and any indigenous life there had likely been enslaved or wiped out by the First Order. This is where you were leading your squadron of X-Wings and bombers, this was your mission.

"This is Rogue Leader, over", you said over the headset in your helmet as your team made it's approach on the planet.

"We copy Rogue Leader, go ahead".

"Listen up guys. What we're looking for is nothing that resembles a Star Destroyer. These ships are so massive that they are constructed in segments on the ground before being completed in orbit. What we'll be hitting are partially constructed cannons, guns, towers, framework - this will be easy enough for us to handle. We'll be in and out in no time".

"Copy that Rogue Leader", one of your crew answered.

"We're with you Captain", another chimed in.

"Alright, let's get into formation and piss off the First Order".

Your squadron came in fast and hard firing missiles and dropping bombs on the unsuspecting warehouse and various building sites. Pass after pass your team came and left a fury in its wake, hitting the targets you had came to destroy. There was playful banter and laughter over the communicators as the mission appeared to be going more successfully than your crew had anticipated. You watched with glee as Stormtroopers and ground crew scrambled and tried to gain order among the troops, though still you knew he was there, somewhere. No, you had to maintain your senses.

"Cut the chatter guys", your voice commanded, breaking your previous thought, "we're not done yet - you see those towers up ahead? We still have to hit those and get out in one piece. They don't have defense shields but now that our presence is known we need to watch for ground fire".

"Copy that Rogue Leader". Your team made its attack approach on the final targets when you were suddenly met with the ground fire you had just warned about.

"Stay sharp guys", your voice didn't waver under the stress, "Rogue 2, Rogue 5 - hit those cannons in sector N83. Do you see them?"

"We see them Rogue leader, going in". You watched as the X-Wings hit their designated target and came through on the other side unharmed.

"Yes", you whispered, "good shot. Let's finish these towers and get out of here". There was still ground fire coming at your squadron but it was easy enough to navigate, blasters and small anti-air turrets were no match for the size of your team.

"Gold Leader, line it up, drop those bombs and come around for the second round on tower 2".

"Copy that Rogue Leader". You provided cover and maneuvered your ship as you watched the Y-Wing bombers make their attack run on the towers, when suddenly one of the towers came to life and fired taking down two of the bombers.

"Shit, shit, shit - Gold team get out of there, fall back - fall back! That tower is alive, our shields won't be able to withstand a direct hit from those cannons".

"This is Gold Leader", you heard a voice say over the communicator, "we only have 2 bombers left, it's just me and Riina, I don't know if we have enough...to complete the mission". You felt the blood drain from your face, and your jaw slackened.

"We have torpedoes, ours plus your bombs should be enough, we have to complete this mission we've come too far", you were clearly shaken by that canon fire. Making your way back around to get into formation you felt a sudden hard crash - you'd been hit.

"Dammit!" you looked to your screen, your engine took a direct hit and you couldn't stay airborne for much longer.

"Captain!" you heard someone scream into the communicator.

"I'm ok, my starboard engine is out I'm going to take her down. Stay in formation, complete the mission, I believe in all of you. Just don't leave this planet with out me!" you finished with a slight chuckle.

"Copy that Captain".

Your X-Wing was far more damaged than you lead on, and it careened into the nearby forest making a harder landing than you anticipated. Though shaken you were able to come to your senses and quickly escape from the burning ship. Hastily checking over yourself you could see no obvious injuries, and grabbing your blaster you ran into the forest among the trees closer to the battle. You watched the skies above and the ground ahead, marveling at how your team rallied together and knocked out turrets and canons, and one of the towers.

"Damn straight", you smiled. You kept watch and kept your guard up, with blaster at the ready. There was a very real threat of a ground assault on your location - the smoke billowing from your downed X-Wing was a dead giveaway to your location. Though you moved further and further away, it wouldn't take long even for Stormtroopers to track you. Footsteps and voices were growing too near for your comfort, though you couldn't get a visual. Far enough into the forest you felt you had enough cover to make a stand or at least wait for a rescue.

"Sir, the downed vessel is in Sector T98", you heard the unmistakable masked voice of a Stormtrooper at a distance, "if there was a survivor General Hux wants them alive".

"I will take care of it. They will soon regret coming here. Withdraw your troops and contact Starkiller base, Hux will want a report", another voice said, but this one was cold, mechanical - not like a Stormtrooper; not like anything you had heard before. Fear crept over you, and for the first time in this mission you were truly terrified. That voice, the threat, were more menacing than going down in a fiery X-Wing. So you did the only thing you could to try to survive: you turned and ran. You ran for what felt like miles, putting more distance between the treeline and the smoke - at this point you prayed you were in an entirely different sector. Breathless and aching, you rested at the foot of a large tree, the sounds of turret fire and X-Wings still loomed above.

"Dammit..." you gasped, "I am not ready to die on this forsaken planet".

Sweat dripped from your brow as you tried to stretch your back against the height of the tree, closing your eyes you just breathed. But the brief minutes you had to compose yourself were quickly interrupted by the sound of incoming footsteps. These steps were fast, heavy, hard, and whoever it was walked with a fiery intensity. But there was another sound that followed, it was like something you'd heard before from years long past...yet altogether new and unsettling. You groaned in your throat and brought your blaster to the ready, looking to your left then to your right - there was nothing. Muttering every curse word you knew in as many languages you could remember, you took one deep breath and curled around the base of the tree and into the open. The incoming footsteps ceased and the instant you came into the clear you were frozen, you couldn't move a single muscle despite fighting for movement. The only thing you had control over was your breathing, you weren't even sure you could speak, and although you could feel your eyes had the freedom to open they were forced shut from the unimaginable pain coursing through you. An invisible hand squeezed your throat as tears streamed from your eyes, though you tried to fight you felt the air coming less easily. The footsteps came again heavy and deliberate but slow, and you could feel a large presence mere inches from your body. Strong, gloved fingertips pressed against your forehead and cheek as you gasped for breath, the tears coming stronger now - someone was forcing their way into your head and you felt so violated and broken. You felt panic take you and fear consume you; a gut wrenching cry escaped your throat and you felt your body release from its invisible prison, collapsing into a heap on the earth below. Dizzy and half-near death you coughed and sputtered, trying to muster whatever strength you could to bring yourself back to your feet only to fall hard onto your elbows.

" _God...dammit...I'll fucking...murder you_ ", you hissed through gritted teeth and shallow gasps for air. Your hair completely disheveled, stuck to your face with sweat and dirt; you tried one last time to get to your feet and managed well enough. Finally bringing your face up you blinked hard through blurry eyes to behold a menacing and tall dark form, the mask immediately recognizable though you had never had the displeasure of seeing it in person before. You knew in an instant that it was Kylo Ren who stood before you. The unsettling sound you had heard was a glowing, crackling red lightsaber which turned off and slipped from the gloved hand of it's owner. With wide eyes and jaw agape you suddenly felt ill, and a hell fire burned within you.

"BEN?" you croaked.

"...Jill?" Kylo muttered through his mask.


	3. The Message

Jill...no one had called you by that name in a very long time, and the sound of it coming from behind that mask filled you with rage.

"You gave up the right to call me that when you abandoned me", your snarl was harsh, "and it's CAPTAIN JILLIA to you!" Your neck was tender and hot with pain; you coughed as you massaged it. He remained motionless with relaxed hands at his side, the only movement you could see was the steady rise and fall of his chest. You studied him and as you did it all came back to you in an overwhelming surge; years of memories that you had tucked away passed before your eyes like a recording being played back on a monitor. You sucked in hard for a breath, it felt like you'd just been electrocuted; Ren flinched and took a step back - his breath obviously quickening. _Had he felt it too_?

"You left me!" your cry echoed through the vast forest as you raised an angry fist in his direction. In an instant you were hunched against the nearest tree trying to contain the contents of your stomach, though turned away from him as you wanted to save whatever dignity you could. Thankfully, the nausea subsided. It hurt, this was all too much. The tears came raging and your body shook as you howled and winced; these were not at all the same tears you had shed mere minutes earlier, no these were the tears you had been holding back all too many years. Tears of denial, anger, disbelief. You couldn't comprehend how he was only feet away from you and yet so far; the boy you once knew was now a man...and not even the same person. It stung so bad to process that he had only moments ago strangled you near to death.

" _You were my best friend...I waited for you...how could you just leave_ ," you could hear your own voice in your head ask these pained questions. When the ache in your core subsided and you gathered the courage to look at him again, he was hunched over just slightly, in a stance which mirrored that of someone in pain. Uneasy hands reached up to hastily unlatch the mask and he removed it in one swift movement, dropping it immediately to the ground. His face, though changed, was still the boy you knew. His forehead shimmered of sweat and he stared wide eyed, with parted lips. _His hair was still as dark as you recalled...your fingers ran through it as he pressed against you, your lips exploring his in the soft moonlight; you remember the way he tasted, how it made your heart flutter_. The memory hit you and he winced taking yet another step back; it didn't take long for you to understand what was happening.

"Perhaps you shouldn't let yourself into places where you are uninvited", you sneered pointing to your head. Ren stood tall and studied your face and in response you sarcastically waved your arms in front of you to break the invisible connection, though you knew it wouldn't actually do anything. Relaxing your stance only slightly you wiped your filthy gloved hands onto your stained pants and pushed your hair from your eyes; your sleeved forearm made an excellent makeshift towel to remove dirt, sweat and tears from your face. _Strong hands caressed your face, he'd always been unafraid to show his feelings - and you loved how passionate he was. His touch was strong but gentle, and you smiled as noses rubbed..._

Ren took one small step forward and you recoiled in an instant, getting into a slight crouch with fists up. You were ready to fight, you wanted to fight him and beat him senseless and make him feel all the pain he had caused you - though you knew it was utterly stupid, you didn't stand even the slightest chance against him. Now that your sorrow had been drained through tears, all that was left in you was anger. Still he took another calm step forward.

"Don't", you snapped through gritted teeth. You whipped your gloves off and tossed them aside.

" _I missed you...I still dream of you every night...this wasn't supposed to happen_ " the words echoed in your head as you picked up a large nearby rock and flung it with all your might in his direction. He calmly deflected it with a very slight movement of a finger, though hands still rested at his side. Through growls and gritted teeth you grabbed another large rock and hurled it, and again it was deflected. Your attempts at inflicting pain on him was pitiful. Rocks of all sizes flew and eventually branches too until your energy was almost spent; you panted.

"I missed you too", he finally spoke. Those words, his voice - you froze. That same voice had once shared with you many years of laughter, stories, friendship, jokes, talks about the Universe, the ways of the Force then... nothing; the blank space in your memory where there was silence was too big for you.

"GET. OUT. OF. MY. HEAD!" your voice was shrill and echoed in the vast forest.

"I'm not... _in there_ ", his voice was so calm, so deep, but still distant, "you know what it feels like when I am invading your mind". He was right. That pain that you had felt minutes ago wasn't there.

"... _fuck off_ ", you hissed.

"We've always been connected. Those dreams you have, I share them too". Now that your sorrow had been cried out and your anger physically thrown away, it was disbelief that took you... and then nothing. You felt nothing, just numbness. You turned your head to search your surroundings for a way out, anything, it felt like you were moving in slow motion. Then defeat. Your face felt blank and cold, you took slow steps until the gap closed between you and him. You placed your hands together and lifted your arms presenting your wrists to be cuffed, admitting surrender as tears rimmed your eyes. Ren half scoffed and smirked.

"The X-wing pilot that went down in sector T98 escaped", he said matter of factly, "too bad for General Hux". There it was - that momentary release of _Ben_ , sarcastic, kind and witty. He reached out for your wrists and turned your hands over into his. These were his hands holding yours, and at the same time...they were the hands of someone else. Your eyes locked eyes with him and for a moment that was far too short, you were looking into the eyes of Ben - the boy you loved.

 _...holding each other close on cool nights..._  
_...the laughter that echoed when you told him a stupid joke..._  
_...that time he let you try his lightsaber, and you almost lost an arm..._  
_...when he beat up Jom for taking your toy when you were children..._  
_...your first kiss with him and how scary yet exhilarating it was..._  
_...and how you couldn't stop after that..._  
_...stargazing on warm summer nights at the Resistance base..._  
_...how he'd let you use his body as a pillow when you had a nightmare..._  
_...all the times you made love in the tall grasses, passionate and dangerous..._  
_...the first time he said 'I love you'..._  
_...how he'd always been there when you needed him most...how he'd always been there when you needed him most...how he'd always been there when you needed him most.._.

Sudden pain, a jolt, you recoiled in shock and Ren fell shakily onto one knee but he still kept hold of your right hand, tightly...almost too tight. In that moment you knew that he was in pain, you had succeeded - no rocks necessary, though it was oddly cathartic to get that out of your system.

"Could...could you ever forgive me", he whispered solemnly. You scoffed, the reaction instantaneous at his words. He was so tall that even down on one knee his head was at your shoulders and part of you wanted to take him in, hold him close but instead you made use of your free hand and brought it swiftly across his cheek. He deserved that, and maybe he knew it - he could have stopped you if he truly wanted to. You tried to wriggle free the hand he was still grasping, but he only held tighter.

"Let go of me", you commanded.

"... _I can't_ ", his lips trembled as he looked for words. You wanted so badly to slap him again, how dare he, but his reflexes reacted and he grasped your free hand. In one swift movement he rose to his feet and moved his hands up your forearms and cupped your elbows, trying to pull you in. You fought it and tried to resist but being in his arms like this was all too familiar, you'd ached for him for so long. And perhaps there was something in you that was programmed to give in to his touch, not even consciously - so you did. He moved his hands from your elbows, to your waist, then he squeezed gently holding you close. You rested your head to the side, your body limp and fed up. But he only held you closer, and eventually you brought your arms up around his waist and rested your forehead against his broad chest. Your hands played with the texture of his cloak and examined the frayed fabric and familiar muscles underneath. You remained like this for what felt like a very long while.

"You did terrible things", your words barely audible as you spoke into him, "you did terrible, terrible things...". He didn't say anything, and you just rested against him. Your face turned to lay in the dip in the center of his chest, this place was once your favorite resting spot. A burn grew in your throat, it stung, and you tried not to cry...you'd already done that too much today. This wasn't fair, none of it. You couldn't believe there wouldn't be a happy ending, he wasn't coming home, so you pulled back to break the embrace to save yourself from further agony. But as you did he frantically pulled his gloves off, as you had done moments ago, and tossed them aside. Strong, bare hands cupped your face as his lips met yours and he kissed you slowly, deliberately; goosebumps covered your skin as it reacted to his touch. He drank you in like a man dying of thirst, and your body reacted in kind. Your brain told you to fight it, but your heart said shut up and kiss him - so you did. His hands moved to tangle your hair then explore your neck, shoulders then back to holding you in a close embrace.

" _How could you forgive me_ ", you heard his voice in your head as clear as if he were speaking, _"I was so alone_ ". There was such sadness in his words, and it broke your heart and for a moment you thought that maybe if you just kissed him longer and loved him more he'd come back to you, the light, and his family. It was like that time he said you could be a Jedi if you wanted to, and you knew he was only saying it to make you feel better...but still you tried anyway. And so you tried, now. You wrapped your arms around his neck and grasped handfuls of his soft locks, pushing your body against his and taking in every kiss and locking it away into a secret place in your memory.

" _I missed you"_ , your thought was deliberate and clear, you wanted him to hear it - though you weren't sure if it would work, you tried nonetheless, _"I missed you so much_ ". His eyes crinkled slightly as he grinned. You pulled away if only to study his face and commit it to memory: every angle, every freckle, each small wrinkle that was beginning to form around his eyes, two or three grey hairs you noticed forming in his hairline that served as a reminder you that ten years had passed since your last meeting, those dark eyes that told everything and nothing at the same time, and his sweet lips that were calling for you again. You drew in his bottom lip just slightly and sucked on it gently as a groan formed him his throat.

" _Come home_ ", again, your thought deliberate and clear, " _come home_...". Still you kissed him, and brought your hands to his face - your foreheads now touching. Your eyes opened to meet his and you couldn't help but notice... tears? It was like you had been punched in the stomach. This time you spoke aloud.

"Ben, come home", you pleaded, "please, come home". You breathed the words into him, as if he might inhale your cry and believe it.

"I'm being torn apart, I'm in so much pain".

"Let me help you, we miss you, come home", you didn't know what else to say.

"You can't help me...no one can".

"Ben, I lov --"

But suddenly in the distance there were voices, muffled footsteps, and radio chatter. Ren released you from the shared embrace, his reflexes alarmingly fast and fluid. He reached for his lightsaber and it flew into his hand and he ignited it; the sight of it was terrible. The footsteps closed in and finally you made a visual on two Stormtroopers. Ren's anger was sudden and frightening. He reached out one hand and used his powers to choke one of the troopers, he squeezed his hand and you could hear the sound of a snapping neck. The trooper fell to the earth in a disgusting tangle of arms and legs. An audible gasp escaped your lips and eyes widened in fear as the other trooper raised his blaster in your direction and fired, but Ren struck it down with a flash of his lightsaber. He then turned his attention to the second trooper and choked the life out of him and you watched helplessly as he too crumpled to the ground. Ren turned off his lightsaber and this time attached it to his belt, and as he turned to you the ache in your stomach returned. Then there was silence, just painful silence. You had heard about what he had become, but you had never seen it and had hoped you never would. But here, in this moment, it was proven to you that Kylo Ren was _real_ and he was _terrifying_.

"I can forgive Ben", you started, "but you are not him. My Ben wouldn't do...this".

"I left to protect you", he snarled, "from _this_. You don't understand the power of the darkside and I never wanted you to. You deserved a better life".

"I LOVED YOU!" your voice came bellowing from within you.

"THAT IS WHY I LEFT!" his response was angry and swift, "do you think I forgot, that I didn't know. With me you would only meet your death". He ignited his lightsaber again and you watched as he tore through the closest trees and brush, hacking with ferocity his screams of anger filled the space around you. The sound of trees crackling and toppling was defeaning; you folded your hands and brought them to your mouth, watching helplessly. Finally, he ceased. The lightsaber was returned to it's spot on his belt, gloves returned to the hands of their owner, and the helmet...that helmet...went back to cover his sweet face.

" _No...no no, please no_ ", first the words came as pleading in your mind as you shook your head in disbelief, then they escaped your lips, "...no". He turned to face you, his hands in tight fists and though you couldn't see his face you could only imagine his expression.

"You were right, you can't forgive Ben. He was a foolish idiot...so I killed him. You can tell everyone who misses me so much that Ben Solo is dead".

"So am I", you whispered, "you didn't have to choke the life out of me to kill me, Ben. You killed me long ago". You stared for what felt like a long while, then without a further word he turned and he left. You watched him cut through the forest and head in the direction of the main warehouse, and as your eyes followed him you caught a glimpse of something on the ground. Pieces of his cloak that had been ripped apart when he tore through the forest in a frenzy with his lightsaber. Instinctively you picked up a few tattered pieces and ran them through your fingers, then tucking them safely into your zippered pocket.

* * *

The mission was successful and you were relieved to know that you hadn't lost any more crew than the two Y-Wings that were regretfully hit; all the warehouses had been destroyed exactly as planned. You don't remember details of your return home, but you do recall many questions from concerned crew asking about your condition.

" _General, she hasn't said a word to any of us. When we brought her to the medic she refused_ ", you heard a man's voice say in the distance. You sat cross-legged on a hill overlooking the base, the tall grasses served as a lush and familiar place to escape. Gentle footsteps approached and you knew in an instant who it was.

"Jill?" the General called to you softly. That was the second time in one day someone called you by that name. You turned your head slowly, and acknowledged her presence.

"Hi", was all you could muster with a half-smile.

"I received word your X-Wing was shot down, and just now you refused medical treatment. You, very uncharacteristically, avoided debrief upon return. This isn't like you".

"I'm fine, it's just been a helluva wild day", you turned your head away from the General and gazed back over the landscape and people scurrying in the distance.

"I want you to get your head checked", Leia commanded.

"There's nothing wrong with my _head_ ". Without asking, Leia came nearer and sat close to you in the grass. You didn't want anyone else busying themselves with your head, you'd had enough.

"I understand you're upset you lost two pilots from Gold team, but it's not your fault, it was no one's fault. We didn't know those towers were operational". Leia's voice was calm, soothing, but she really had no idea. Very deliberately you turned your body to face her and something about the expression on your face made Leia's sweet disposition change in an instant. You reached into the zippered pocket and presented her with with a tattered piece of the black cloak you'd retrieved. Leia gasped, and tears quickly filled her eyes.

"Oh child...". Her words stung as you knew they held two meanings; the yearning for her boy and how she'd always say this to you during difficult times.

"My X-Wing went down in sector T98, and I ran as fast as I could. He came after me and nearly choked me to death before realizing who I was. I'd never been so scared before in all my life".

"I should have never sent you there", Leia said solemnly as she turned the fabric over in her hands.

"I saw his face, General", you choked on the words, "and I am _so sorry_ that you were not the one to witness it". You sat in silence for a long while, then you spoke again.  
"He called me Jill. Old memories came rushing back, we hugged, I cried and pleaded...I begged him to come home, we...we kissed, and I held him in my arms. He was so terrifying but so pained, and I couldn't save him. I went from being scared for my life to ending up right in his arms, and _I am so sorry_ ". There was a long silence as Leia soaked up your words and dissected them. She reached up to brush the hair out of your eyes, and wipe  the tears that had rolled down your cheek.

"He told me, right before we departed that Ben was dead. That he killed him". 

"I don't believe it ", she responded matter of factly, "there is still light in him, I know it". You looked to her knowingly, because despite all the terror you experienced today - you were graced with the presence of that inner light, though only momentarily. Leia very graciously brought the tattered cloak back to you and offered to return it, but you responded by pulling the second piece from your pocket.

"Keep it", your voice was hoarse with pain.

"Jill", Leia sighed, "I don't want to cause you any more pain, but please tell me one thing". You would tell her whatever she asked.

"Anything".

"Does he know how much he is loved". It sounded like more of a statement than question, her voice devoid of emotion as she tried to maintain her composure. Finally you spoke through the pain in your throat.

"Yes", you winced, "he knows. _He knows_ ".

Leia wiped a tear from her eye and slowly, but gracefully, got to her feet and made her way back down the hill, all the while clutching the black cloth like it were the most sacred artifact in existence. You tucked yours back into your pocket and zippered it up for safe keeping then sprawled out into the tall grasses. You closed your eyes and recounted the happenings of the last few hours. Though frightening you knew your encounter with him on this day may very well be the last, and you revisited every precious memory you stowed away - every kiss, every breath, the feel of his skin, the sound of his voice and hoped maybe in this moment that he was feeling these memories as vividly as you were. With eyes closed you played these thoughts over in your mind through smiles, tears and sorrow. Then, as clearly as though he was standing beside you his voice came ringing through in your mind.

_"I love you...Captain"._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...that's that. If you read all 3 chapters I really appreciate it, and thank you. I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> Again, this is my first fic posted here and my first writing in a veeeeeery long time, so if you see any typos or anything that doesn't make sense absolutely please bring it to my attention but just be kind.
> 
> Thanks! :)


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